BEMIDJI PIONEER, 07/13/2009: Local Tyrannical Dragoness Admits Self to Museum as Art Exhibit

Ah, sorry about the delay! Immediately after launching the site, I went on a spice-fuelled bender to celebrate the first post of a new era in dragon-to-human social relations, and was confronted the next morning by a pounding headache beating my temples like a kettle drum. The back of my head, which had been shaved the night before, was throbbing vengefully; this area was feeling particularly uncomfortable in areas that seemed to form patterns of linguistic artifice. I spent the entire day finding two mirrors ornate enough to be worthy of capturing either side of my freshly-Bjorked skull, and spent the following week engineering a system of pulleys by which the two could be reflected at each other.

Once I had finished filing the patent, I noticed a chilling 64-character code tattooed on the shorn scales; this took more than five weeks and all the cryptography skills at my disposal to decode. I won't bore you with any further details on the process, aside from this final step:

M E R O P O T S = POST MORE(?)
So, here I am, fulfilling the request as dictated to me by a message written in the most obscure fashion my inebriated brain could muster. I'm a little annoyed with myself; I should have known even then that I would waste my time with this crazy nonsense. She's probably even laughing at me right now.

Anyway, this is the post where I tell you all what to expect on the Two Timid Dragons Web-log of Fantastic Excellence. As I'd mentioned before, we cover video games, but not in the manner expected of your average 16-year-old's source of "news, views, and your daily dose of gaming goodness." Nothing here will be about the celebrity-style gossip about "developers" and "lead designers" and "Chief Executive Officers", unless it involves actual slapfighting. Because the honorable Phenoix and I spend our days lazing about in a dragonly manner, none of us will be on the scene wearing (nothing but) fedora-with-press-ticket, asking hard-hitting questions and providing you the straight dope on important topics that affect you, our dearest readers. If you want that, don't worry; news aggregators exist everywhere! Find one that jibes with your interests.


So, if not that, what can you expect? Well, lucky for you, I've determined that our greatest assets are only ourselves; sitting in our respective caves with only our game systems and the Internet (and several other items of extreme luxury) to entertain us, all we can do is comment on the entertainment media we find worthwhile. If a new game, old game, news item, or video emerges from the Sargasso of the Internet that either of us ends up finding just ducky, it will appear here, run through our distinct filter of dragony excellence (unless we're distracted by something else. There will also be video content here, but I know enough to not promise anything until after a plan is in place. A good rule of thumb is this: Expect nothing, and be pleasantly surprised when it doesn't arrive.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I have a fortune cookie to eat.

Salutations!

I see Svet's already taken the wind out of my sails, as waterborne dragons are wont to do. Nevertheless, from my cozy little crevice in Mount Hood to yours: greetings, welcome, and, as my number-one comrade has so eloquently put, hi there.

For those of you not living in a cave -- and I suspect there are still many of you -- I am Phenoix, resident Eastern-descendant dragon of the Two Timid Dragons web-log. Like my pear-shaped partner, I have cut back on townsfolk and livestock in favor of modern media-based consumables: good videogames, bad movies, pulpy books, and so on. Such things are easy to obtain; a few daring locals have taken to conquering the slopes on this side of the mountain, and those who fail along the way make for particularly easy prey. I am of course referring to preying on their wallets, and sometimes a thing or two for my hoard.

Oh, and sorry about your snowboard. You know who you are.

Well, hi there, world

Greetings! It is here, sitting at my drawing desk in a luxurious cave outside Lake Bemidji, I write to you the following words: Welcome to the Two Timid Dragons Game-Analysis Web Page, in which I, the dragoness you must already know as Svetlana, and my far-too-attractive partner-in-crime Phenoix, intend to spend our days jotting things down about the amazing modern media we experience on a nigh-hourly basis. We mostly keep to ourselves, but in the fusion reactor of the Skype line that connects my cave to his, big, sexy ideas have been known to take place!

So again I say, welcome, comrades, to the dawn of dragony criticism on the Internet (at least twice as bearable than criticism from humans and about a million times moreso than that of gryphons); an altruistic effort to make the online social sphere objectively better through the presence of glittering personalities such as that of myself.

For the few that remain out there who haven't seen me chasing them down as I fly about on my morning/evening patrols, I am Svetlana, an American dragon with family hailing from places as far as Scotland and Uzbekistan. When I'm not out terrorizing townsfolk, I spend most of my time playing video games while sitting on a pile of their jewelry. The reason for this is that modern society has made it extremely easy for mythological beasts like myself to survive. I no longer have to swoop over the local wilderness, keeping my eyes peeled for wildlife to snatch up in my greedy talons, tear open and eat raw in my dimly-lit cavern; these days, all it takes is to shake down the right person with the tip of a claw to get them to give me the smelly slips of cotton paper I routinely hand to the frightened supermarket clerk so she can give me the hot-pockets I crave.

Since things are so easy for dragons like me and Phen, we have a lot of free time, which we mostly spend in our respective caves making use of modern appliances like the electric fan, the microwave, and the Xbox. Sites for the other two will come soon; until then, we expect to deliver a suite of fantastic game-related content to all those who insist upon reading it, the details of which will be arriving soon if you wait patiently enough. Until then, safe travels -- and take care that you see neither of us when you're next out of doors.